So, since we have been home, I have had very few experiences with Jacob that I could call puzzling or troubling. People seem to be friendly and comfortable with a white woman and a black baby. I will say, I think that our community has a lot to do with it. We are in a very diverse area. When I am with JF, people don't even blink an eye about us. ( I did get one very sweet comment from a woman who looked at the three of us and said, "Did you hear about that couple in England? You never can tell with genetics". I smiled and said, "You are right!") But I have had two comments that have made me stop and think.
Both take place in a doctor's office. The first one went down like this: JF and I are talking to our doctor about Jacob, who is with us. Our doctor had to do about 6 letters for us due to issues with the notary, so she is well invested in our adoption. She was commenting on how cute he is (she is human after all, lol) when another woman approached. That woman had an accent that I would say was maybe Nigerian, but she was definitely originally from Africa. She asked some questions about our process and about the baby. I said, "JF is hoping he will be the first Ethiopian professional hockey player." She responded by saying, "He is American. You adopted him." She walked away immediately. I don't know if she was offended, but she was certainly correcting me. I still don't know how I feel about this interaction. I would like to think that he can be both at the same time. I can certainly identify him as Ethiopian-American every time, but to me, it is not necessary. Just because at one point I chose to acknowledge one does not in any way diminish the other for me. But perhaps for other people, or for Jacob's clarity, I need to be more specific? But part of me feels that she made a snap judgement on me without finding more facts, or taking the time to have a dialogue with me about it, so this is her issue and not mine. I am sure I will continue to mull this over, but I would love to hear the thoughts of other adoptive parents.
My second incident was a comment our pediatrician made. I want to preface this by saying that I really like my pediatrician. I think he is very thorough and I would recommend him highly. He made a comment to me about Jacob's personality. Jacob is a very pleasant baby for the most part, and he is very responsive to people. the doctor said to me, "Jacob is a very pleasant little guy. I think that is because he was in the orphanage. He didn't get enough contact and now he is flourishing because of it." Now, I have issues with this for a few reasons. One, he got lots of love at Toukoul Orphanage. I think that the doctor has made a snap judgement about an orphanage that he has never seen, b/c it is in a foreign country. Two, couldn't that just be Jacob's personality because of him? Not because he was an orphan, but because that is his temperament? I want the doctor to treat Jacob the child, not Jacob the orphan. I know there are certain things b/c he was an orphan that need to be a little different (HIV testing, for example). But to assume that his personality is due to that bothers me. It was an off-hand comment, I am sure the doctor meant no offense, but it got me thinking. The nannies and the orphanage told me that Jacob was always one of the most pleasant little babies in their room. He came to them at less than 4 weeks old. Does that mean that EVERY aspect of him is shaped because of this?
I would love to hear your thoughts!
Thanks!
4 comments:
That is interesting. I know that some of our refugee friends from Burundi are still proud of their culture, but once they are citizens they are very clear to answer that they are Americans. I think they have been through so much to get to America and become citizens that they are very proud of it and somehow saying that they are Burundis makes it sound to them as if they belong there and most feel this is their home now. Maybe that was her point ??
Wow. I can relate to a lot of this. Sadly, a friendship of mine was ended because of our different thoughts on the "raising them as Ethiopians vs. Americans thing". It so important to me that we incorporate his Ethiopian culture into our lives and that he is habesha. I never want to let go of Ethiopia. He may have different views when he is older and that makes me sad.
As for the doctor situation, I have started to just say what's on my mind. Like, tell the doctor, yes, he is pleasant. We were told by the nannies/orphanage that he was always one of the most pleasant babies. It seems to just be his nature.
What do I know? Not much but Jacob sure is a little cutie :).
Hey Guys! Very interesting, Colleen. I can understand why it might be a bid disheartening to hear such comments and sadly, you'll probably be hearing many more in the future as there are always going to be ignorant people around. Just curious...does JF's dad say he's Haitian or American now? My dad always says he's Canadian, and of course gets curious looks from people who want him to "elaborate" on that since he's obviously (according to accent and looks) NOT originally Canadian. Sometimes I think people say things just to have a "stance" on the subject because it makes them look educated, worldly or smart. Of course, sometimes it makes them appear exactly the opposite! They just NEED to have an opinion! Anyway, a friend once gave me good advice: if someone's making you feel insecure, it's their problem, not yours. Generally, it's them that have the insecurities. I love keeping up with your new fam! xo
So great to see the new family "mentoring" another new family!
...doing things w/ the baby...sounds like a plan:)
christina cothren
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